My new home.....our home!

As I took a moment to rest on the bed after getting home from the airport I stared at the ceiling watching this one daddy long legs spider walk from one side to the other wondering to myself "do they have any hunsmans in England?". You probably think i am a weirdo for thinking that, but its those little things that keep throughing me and they get me thinking about how big of a thing it was to move countries. I guess its because i have really thought and delt with the big stuff in my own way, but its those small little things, like what spiders exist or dont exist, that really through you, and even thiugh you hate them in your home country, you miss them when you are in a new one and they arent there. I guess i can relate that to when youre on holidays and you meet someone from your home country; if you were at home you wouldnt even think about saying hi, but if you are abroad you always feel that need to say hi, as they make you feel that tiny bit closer to the comforts and familiarity of home. However, this place is now where I will call home...this room is now my room...this new life is now my life....and I am living with a boy! I don't know which of those was more weirdness a scary!

As I unpacked my many clothes from my bags I realised something...I may have all these clothes, but where the hell am I going to put them all! I had a walk in robe back in Australia that I didn't have to share with anyone, and now I have one small wardrobe that I have to share with Dean....crap! 

Dean must have read my mind as I was thinking this because he said "don't worry, there is heaps of wardrobe space in the house in Romford. We will take most of your stuff there". Thank god! Haha. 

As you can all imagine, dean and I had some quality time together before we decided that because it was such a lovely sunny day and nearly lunchtime we would take some rolls and go down to somewhere they call the RSPB, which is a bird sanctuary with beautiful gardens and a really old house which was built in around 1840. Something you would never get in Australia! 

It was beautiful! It just made smile, as these places are just one of the big reasons why I moved to this country. I love beautiful old estates and gardens. Dean and I always said when we move in together that we would do lots of picnics, so I was thrilled we did it on the first day! 

I bought a new SLR camera before I left and this trip was perfect to test it out! However after a couple of clicks I realised what most camera rookies learn...it's not just the amazing camera that gives you good shots, it's the person handling the camera as well! Next on my list, enrol in a camera course! 

Dean and I decided to feed some little goldfish in the pond in one of the main gardens. Except, in true Dean and I's style, the little goldfish got bigger and bigger until they were the size of a small dog! We were like "awwww, little fishes....holy shit is that some kind of mutated killer fish?!". 

Next we were off to visit Dean's Dad at his shop to say hi before we headed off to our friends house for a cuppa before heading to his Mum's for an early dinner. (Yeah, big day!)

Dean's dad looks like George Clooney, so much so that his nickname is George Clooney! He is lovely too, and since I hadn't communicated with his since a year ago when I was out visiting Dean as he doesn't use Facebook, it was really nice to see him again. 

Dean's Dad's work is in the centre of town which was only a 5-10 min walk from Dean's, correction, our house. The town is tiny and is one of those where all the little shops are privately owned and run. Everyone knows everyone; for example I pretty much said to Dean that he should just walk with his arm in the wave position as it would save him time and effort putting it up and down waving at everyone he knew that drove past. I think he loved that he looked so popular ;P 

We were off to our friends house for the afternoon. I say "our" friends because I befriended SL last year when I was in England and her family, dean and i went out to lunch. We have been Facebook messaging each other ever since! However, meeting for the first time in over a year since we saw each other was kind of nerve racking....i guess the way you feel about a first date! you know..the whole would she like me in person, what if there were awkward silences, what if we just didn't 'vibe' like we did in writing?! Well, I am happy to tell you all that our first date went VERY well! It was such a lovely afternoon. As soon as we opened our mouths SL and I got on like we had been friends forever. Her husband, DL, was so lovely too, but of course he would be since he is one of Dean's best friends. He is a mod like Dean too, so it was so fun seeing Dean immerse himself in mod talk! Which pretty much includes Paul Weller, scooters & sideburns! 

As we left we organised a dinner for the next Saturday, which means i got 'asked out on a secound date' - they liked me, they really liked me!! 

It was weird, I was feeling great, which was amazing since it was 1:00am in the morning in Australia and I had already been up for 12 hours and it was only 4:00pm! 

This was a great thing as we were off to Dean's Mum and BHs' house for dinner with his sister, PC, and some of the rest of the family and some friends. 

It was such a lovely night meeting everyone I hadn't met and having a drink and a catchup and chat. However, about the drink...lets just say I am a LIGHTWEIGHT! You see, in England they are very good at playing hostess, unlike us selfish bastards in oz ;P Whenever they get up for a drink for themselves, they will always ask you if you want a top up aswell. This is such a nice thing and I love how they are so attentive. The onlything I have to work at is; a) not drinking so bloody fast! You see I have ALWAYS drunk really fast...if I have a drink in my hand or I front of me it will be gone in about 2 seconds flat, alcoholic or NOT alcoholic (no, I'm not an alco!). B) saying NO! I don't know if its coz I'm new and hate saying no or what, but that two letter word seems to have escaped my vocabulary since arriving in England. I alway just say "why not". Well...the hangover I had the next day is why not! Haha. 

Well, you know how I said I was feeling great! Lets just say that by 9:30pm that night I was far from feeling great! I thought it was the jet lag...but everyone else there that night would say it was the near whole bottle of wine I drank that made me feel so out of it and tired... Whatever it was, Dean had to take me home to bed not long after 9:30. I was just lucky that going home meant only a walk 5 mins around the corner...you couldn't do that in Australia! You walk everywhere in Dean's town coz everything is so close...that's a good and bad thing - good coz means you don't have to drive and can always have a drink. Bad coz means you don't have to drive and you can always drink.....and end up in my state :S 

I must say I did love how I finally had my boy there to take me home and cuddle up to (or pass out next to). You know when you have had an amazing night out with your friends and you are a little tipsy and love that you can go home and hop into bed with your partner and cuddle feeling loved and thinking to yourself "god I'm glad I have this amazing person to come home to". Well as I was in a long distance relationship I didn't have that at all. That's the thing with LDR's, they are a mix of both being single and being in a relationship. Like when you overlap two circles, one being lifestyles of a person in a relationship and the other being the lifestyle of a single person and the bit where they overlap is what makes up the lifestyle of a person in an LDR....and usually, it's all the shit part from both! You don't get ask to go out on the town with your single friends coz your in a relationship, but then you don't get asked to the couples dinners coz your other half isn't physically present, you have the normal standard everyday couple fights, but you have those lonely Friday and Saturday nights when everyone is on date night. This is all fine, and I am not asking you to get the violins out for me, but I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I might miss the small things, like hunsmans, I am so much more excited and content knowing I now have those little things I missed in Australia, like my boyfriend helping me home after a big night and tucking me into bed! 

* mod - http://www.themodgeneration.co.uk/2009/04/mod-style.html 

rceiling watching this one daddy long legs spider walk from one side to the other wondering to myself "do they have any hunsmans in England?". You probably think i am a weirdo for thinking that, but its those little things that keep throughing me and they get me thinking about how big of a thing it was to move countries. I guess its because i have really thought and delt with the big stuff in my own way, but its those small little things, like what spiders exist or dont exist, that really through you, and even though you hate them in your home country, you miss them when you are in a new one and they arent there. I guess i can relate that to when youre on holidays and you meet someone from your home country; if you were at home you wouldnt even think about saying hi, but if you are abroad you always feel that need to say hi, as they make you feel that tiny bit closer to the comforts and familiarity of home. However, this place is now where I will call home...this room is now my room...this new life is now my life....and I am living with a boy! I don't know which of those was more weirdness a scary!

As I unpacked my many clothes from my bags I realised something...I may have all these clothes, but where the hell am I going to put them all! I had a walk in robe back in Australia that I didn't have to share with anyone, and now I have one small wardrobe that I have to share with Dean....crap! 

Dean must have read my mind as I was thinking this because he said "don't worry, there is heaps of wardrobe space in the house in Romford. We will take most of your stuff there". Thank god! Haha. 

As you can all imagine, dean and I had some quality time together before we decided that because it was such a lovely sunny day and nearly lunchtime we would take some rolls and go down to somewhere they call the RSPB, which is a bird sanctuary with beautiful gardens and a really old house which was built in around the early 1700s. Something you would never get in Australia! 

It was beautiful! It just made smile, as these places are just one of the big reasons why I moved to this country. I love beautiful old estates and gardens. Dean and I always said when we move in together that we would do lots of picnics, so I was thrilled we did it on the first day! 

I bought a new SLR camera before I left and this trip was perfect to test it out! However after a couple of clicks I realised what most camera rookies learn...it's not just the amazing camera that gives you good shots, it's the person handling the camera as well! Next on my list, enrol in a photography course! Dean and I decided to feed some little goldfish in the pond in one of the main gardens. Except, in true Dean and I's style, the little goldfish got bigger and bigger until they were the size of a small bloody dog! We were like "awwww, little fishes....holy shit is that some kind of mutated killer fish?!". 

Next we were off to visit Dean's Dad at his shop to say hi before we headed off to our friends house for a cuppa before heading to his Mum's for an early dinner. (Yeah, big day!)

Dean's dad looks like George Clooney, so much so that his nickname is...... you got it, George Clooney! He is lovely too, and since I hadn't communicated with his since a year ago when I was out visiting Dean as he doesn't use Facebook, it was really nice to see him again. 

Dean's Dad's work is in the centre of town which was only a 5-10 min walk from Dean's, correction, our house. The town is tiny and is one of those where all the little shops are privately owned and run. Everyone knows everyone; for example I pretty much said to Dean that he should just walk with his arm in the wave position as it would save him time and effort putting it up and down waving at everyone he knew that drove past. I think he loved that he looked so popular ;P 

We were off to our friends house for the afternoon. I say "our" friends because I befriended SL and DL last year when I was in England and we all went out to lunch. SL and I Facebook messaging each other ever since! However, meeting for the first time in over a year since we saw each other was kind of nerve racking....i guess the way you feel about a first date! you know..the whole would she like me in person, what if there were awkward silences, what if we just didn't 'vibe' like we did in writing?! Well, I am happy to tell you all that our first date went VERY well! It was such a lovely afternoon. As soon as we opened our mouths SL and I got on like we had been friends forever. Her husband, DL, was so lovely too, but of course he would be since he is one of Dean's best friends. He is a mod like Dean too, so it was so fun seeing Dean immerse himself in mod talk! Which pretty much includes Paul Weller, scooters & sideburns! 

As we left we organised a dinner for the next Saturday, which means i got 'asked out on a secound date' - they liked me, they really liked me!! 

It was weird, I was feeling great, which was amazing since it was 1:00am in the morning in Australia and I had already been up for 12 hours and it was only 4:00pm! 

This was a great thing as we were off to Dean's Mum and BHs' house for dinner with his sister, PC, and some of the rest of the family and some friends. 

It was such a lovely night meeting everyone I hadn't met and having a drink and a catchup and chat. However, about the drink...lets just say I am a LIGHTWEIGHT! You see, in England they are very good at playing hostess, unlike us selfish bastards in oz ;P Whenever they get up for a drink for themselves, they will always ask you if you want a top up aswell. This is such a nice thing and I love how they are so attentive. The only thing I have to work at is; a) not drinking so bloody fast! You see I have ALWAYS drunk really fast...if I have a drink in my hand or in front of me it will be gone in about 2 seconds flat, alcoholic or NOT alcoholic (no, I'm not an alco!). B) saying NO! I don't know if its coz I'm new and hate saying no or what, but that two letter word seems to have escaped my vocabulary since arriving in England. I alway just say "why not". Well...the hangover I had the next day is why not! Haha. 

Well, you know how I said I was feeling great! Lets just say that by 9:30pm that night I was far from feeling great! I thought it was the jet lag...but everyone else there that night would say it was the near whole bottle of wine I drank that made me feel so out of it and tired... Whatever it was, Dean had to take me home to bed not long after 9:30. I was just lucky that going home meant only a walk 5 mins around the corner...you couldn't do that in Australia! You walk everywhere in Dean's town coz everything is so close...that's a good and bad thing - good coz means you don't have to drive and can always have a drink. Bad coz means you don't have to drive and you can always drink.....and end up in my state :S 

I must say I did love how I finally had my boy there to take me home and cuddle up to (or pass out next to). You know when you have had an amazing night out with your friends and you are a little tipsy and love that you can go home and hop into bed with your partner and cuddle feeling loved and thinking to yourself "god I'm glad I have this amazing person to come home to". Well as I was in a long distance relationship I didn't have that at all. That's the thing with LDR's, they are a mix of both being single and being in a relationship. Like when you overlap two circles, one being lifestyles of a person in a relationship and the other being the lifestyle of a single person and the bit where they overlap is what makes up the lifestyle of a person in an LDR....and usually, it's all the shit part from both! You don't get ask to go out on the town with your single friends coz your in a relationship, but then you don't get asked to the couples dinners coz your other half isn't physically present, you have the normal standard everyday couple fights, but you have those lonely Friday and Saturday nights when everyone is on date night. This is all fine, and I am not asking you to get the violins out for me, but I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I might miss the small things, like hunsmans, I am so much more excited and content knowing I now have those little things I missed in Australia, like my boyfriend helping me home after a big night and tucking me into bed! 

* mod - http://www.themodgeneration.co.uk/2009/04/mod-style.html 

To tell you about that I need to tell you about this....

Well after coming back from an amazing time in Thailand it was back to the reality of work, saving for my house and just the in's and out's of everyday life. Everyone can relate to that come down feeling you get when you touchdown at the airport after an amazing holiday and after all the planning and looking forward to it you realise it's over and think to yourself "who the hell sped up time while I was gone?" 

It would be another 2 years until I had another holiday where I left the country, and in those two years I did a lot of finding myself, my confidence and my strength. That was due to just plain growing up (some might dispute that this has happened) and, well, a lot of relationships....When a boyfriend and I would breakup my girlfriends would say "now beth, DON'T have a boyfriend for a while, just take some you time" and it seemed like as soon as they said that I would find a boy and start dating him....  I have always been one of those girls that was a bit lost and didn't know who they were or what they wanted, in life and with men. I admire those people, like my brother, who know exactly who they are and what they want. They wouldn't date many girls because they knew what they wanted in a partner and so if a girl didn't have those traits or qualities then they wouldn't bother. I was very different. I don't know if it was just because I was the youngest of four and so I was always around people and so I felt I always needed to have someone there, but I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. I was very independent within the relationship and some would say "i would only bring them out the cupboard when it suited me", but in my head it was like i needed a boyfriend to feel socially accepted and like i belonged. Now i look back on it i realise this could have been because when i was sick i felt so socially discarded for looking different and acting different, that when i was on the mend i just wanted to do anything to feel like i was 'normal' and accepted by society again. Don't get me wrong, I liked all the boys I dated, but with the combination of not knowing what I wanted in a guy, me not knowing who I was and me feeling the need to always have someone there, I would just jump into relationships without a second thought...and then after 3 months I would know they were the wrong guy for me and I would become miserable and then after a few more months of an unhappy relationship we would finally break up. Most of the guys were lovely, but it was just that after a couple of months and the 'honeymoon' period had worn off, I realised i didn't love them for who they were and I would always catch myself thinking i would love to change things about them...and you can't be with someone if you want to change them...i believe you have to love all of them (well the core of who they are) and accept and love them for who they really are. My problem was, I didn't know who I was and so how could I know what I wanted in a guy?! However, after every relationship I would get closer to knowing what I wanted in a guy.......and what I didn't. 

With the combination of plain maturing through my early to mid twenties, going through some hard relationships that made me really think about myself and (i think the biggest thing) gaining some amazing girlfriends that taught and showed me how to have confidence within myself and just be who i was instead of what I thought i had to be, I finally knew who I was and grew confident within myself.....but i still didn't have a clue about boys and love.... Straight on from a painful 2 year relationship were I learnt a lot about myself I thougt i knew what I wanted in a guy, but it took another relationship to learn that even though a guy can be so close to being what you wanted because he was good on paper, that's not close enough. 

I think my biggest problem was that I didn't know what love was... Everyone kept saying to me "you will know when you know"....what the fuck kind of statement was that? "I will know when I know".... But how do I know how "knowing it" feels like?! I liked all these guys...was that love? People say love is hard, but then others say its easy! There are so many conflicting offers of advise out there that I would always become more confused about love then when I was 12 years old and used to see people kiss on TV and wonder why on earth the girl wanted to kiss the guy and get boy germs! To be completely honest, I think I would have easily fallen into a marriage with a guy that wasn't 100% right for me, as I was looking for the guy for me in the wrong places, the wrong type of guy for me and when i fell for a guy, i really thought that was love and that the hard times were just normal and not being 100% happy was normal...as i didnt know any different. However, that all changed in December of 2012....and you know what I found out? I still didn't bloody well know when I knew ;P 

From 'G'day' to 'You alright'

I'm sitting here 5 days in from getting here on my couch realising that I better start writing down things about the first week I have been here, as I am doing so much that its only wednesday, but Saturday feels so long ago and I'm starting to forget the feelings I felt when I got here, and since I will want to remember those feelings, and I have plenty of time up my sleeves, I thought why not start now. 

I look up at the desk of the Australian border security counter and i hear a friendly "G'day, where are you off to and for how long?". As the words come out of my mouth it hits me "i am off to England to live for 4-5 years". Wow, I am really doing this...after a year and a half of talking about it I am actually doing it! Crazy.... I wasn't sad though, I was a bit nervous and SO excited and grateful that I have the chance to do someone like this...as many don't. At that moment in time I could just be excited about this adventure because I knew I would meet my parents in England at the end of the month, it is the start of Dean and I's real relationship so I could pretend that we would have no fights and it would be easy, no one knew me so I could be a better version of myself form now one, I could pretend that finding a job and making friends would be easy... In that moment I decided to be a little ignorant and let myself just be excited. 

I met a beautiful couple I met on the plane, LC (girl)& AC (boy). They sat next to me for the long 14 hour leg (poor things) and were coming back from their honeymoon in Borneo (lucky things!). You know when you're sitting next to someone on the plane and you get that awkwardness about do I say hi to them or do I put my earphones in or pretend I'm asleep until the plane has taken off and they have their tv headphone on. Well, I have come to be one of those annoying people who will talk to you and say hi, I just love hearing about people's lives and how they got to being in the plane seat next to me. However, I also know the none verbal signs that tell me to fuck off...including them putting their earphones in or falling asleep! Haha. Well I was lucky this time as LC, AC and I hit it off straight away as we shared the same humour. Which lucky for me is the really dry English humour where you just take the piss out of each other. Louise and I also shared another major thing in common; we are both as mad as each other as she moved over to England from Canada around 10 years ago and fell in love with a Pom. 

At the end of the flight we shared contact details and said we would definitely catch up in England. 

I have just got my phone sorted and have messaged LC since and we have organised a catch up next month. Dean couldn't believe I had made friends already...and neither could I! 

Do you ever find that when you walk through the gates at an airport and you see all these people staring at you you get a little weirded out and you don't know where to look? You want to look for the people that have come to collect you, but at the same time you just want to sneak off to the side as quick as possible. As I scurried off to the side hoping that dean saw me I spot that cheeky grin I love so much... Even though it hasn't even been a week since I saw him I get that rush of excitement and turn all giddy. "You alright" he says to me sounding just as excited. We were like giddy teenagers looking at each other knowing that we were finally here...after 1.5 long years we could finally be a real couple and start our lives together. And what happened next pretty much sets out what our life will be together. 

Firstly Dean couldn't remember where he parked the car, so we had to stop on every level of the multilevel carpark, and when we stopped at level 3 he stepped out and then, before i could stop them, suddenly the doors closed and I went up to level four faintly hearing him saying "stop, where the hell are you going?". I decided that waiting for him to find me would be best, so i waited at level 4 giggling to myself. As the doors opened I saw his face giving me that look I love so much, the one with the side smile with his head tilted down looking up at me trying to hold back a laugh, just shaking his head saying "there you are". 

When we finally found the car and managed to stuff all 50kgs worth of suitcases in the car we were ready to set off! Well, that was until we realised we forgot to pay for the bloody parking! I could say that this all happened coz we were distracted by being so excited, but no, this is just an example of Dean and I's relationship! At least we will always laugh, or kill, each other :P Dean and I keep saying that it will be one of those things we laugh at now, but will hate later on once the honeymoon stage wares off - I guess we will see! I am going to really try to just not let the little things getting to me and just laugh about it, coz Dean is an amazing guy who treats me so well, but no one is perfect... And I wouldn't want him to be and neither am i! I'm far from it. Someone once told me that those little things that start to annoy you about your partners personality you should just accept and find a way to work around them instead of trying to change it, as it will only cause resentment, tension and stress between you both. And if those little things are worst things i have to worry about in the relationship I'm a pretty bloody lucky girl!!!  Again, no doubt Dean will mark this entry as one to show me mid fight ;P 

Talking about a fight...we nearly didn't get together because of an infamous fight we had the trip we got to know each other! 

Who knew that this holiday would be the catalyst for a domino effect of big changes in so many people's lives...

It amazes me how just one tiny thought or idea can be the start of something that changes the shape of your life forever... 

I wouldn't call myself book smart at all... I worked really hard in years 11 and 12 and still only got a mediocre result, and that was only because I took VCE French, which is a markup subject. However, i am good with money and I sure am driven...it might take me a while to figure out what I want in different areas of my life, but when I do I stop at nothing to make sure I get it. 

For example I only had not even size A cup breasts when i was 19, maybe because when I went through my anorexia when I was younger I didn't get a period for a long time and so didnt develop fully, or maybe because i was just 'blessed' with mosquito bites for breasts....im talking about not even a handful people! It might be vain and superficial, but i didnt feel like a real woman and felt uncomfortable being so flat chested, so after thinking seriously about implants for a year I decided it was what I wanted, so at the age of 20 I decided that is what I was going to do. My Mum and Dad said that if I really wanted them then I would have to do it all on my own, I would have to do all the research and I would have to pay for them on my own. Well, only after a couple of months I had worked it all out and I went to them with my case. I knew where to go for the surgery and I would get a loan that I would pay off over then next year, which I did. 

Another example is I tried university to study as a nurse, but dropped out, then tried health science, but dropped out as well...I think it was a combination of both degrees not actually being what I wanted and because I had a hard time keeping up as i just didnt get the content, so I didn't get the best marks in either exams or assignments. Whatever it was, I was definitely not good at university and never completed a degree. However, at the age of 21 I decided that I wanted a house and to own it completly on my own without any financial assistance from anyone.....By age 24 I owned a 4 bedroom house that I currently rent out. 

Thailand was another one of those things that I had decided on and there was no way of stopping me from going there in the January of 2010. Convincing one of my bests friends, JH, that I would plan it all and would make sure it would come in under $3000 for everything including spending money, she was on board... 

It was the first time either of us had travelled without our parents before, so as we were leaving our parents were fussing over us, as loving parents do. As they said goodbye to us that morning all worried and nervous we both smile and said see ya later all carefree and excited for our first big trip as adults! Let the dancing, drinking, sunbaking and massages begin! 

Everyone knows that travelling with someone you haven't travelled with can be risky when its just two of you, especially for girls! You might want to do different things or both have PMS and be bitchy towards each other....well I am extremely happy to say that there was none of this with JH and I! I know, amazing eh?! We both just went with the flow, had a laugh, relaxed and went site seeing everyday and then partied all night meeting new people, dancing and making absolute fools of ourselves with silly dancing, drunkenly playing board games with new friends and once even befriended the owner of a club and started promoting for the place...until we got bored of it 10 minuets later. 

We would always start our nights with a Long Island iced tea and finish it by holding each other up as we walked Bangalore rd to get home. 

It got to our second last night of Thailand and we had had enough of going out and felt like staying in, except we pre bought some all you can drinks passes to the night club just in front of our hotel, so we decided we would go there for an hour and then just come back and have an early one. Because we weren't into it we decided to have a Long Island iced tea and get in the mood by dancing really stupid and making ourselves have a laugh. As we were doing some pretty hot 60 and 80s dance moves we both see some guys looking at us laughing. 

Well I won't go into what happened next as its not my story to tell....but what I will say is that those boys that were laughing were English and JH ended up being smittened with one of them..... 

The next day was a big day for me, I was getting my tattoo! I had thought about it for ages, and doing what I always do, once I had decided I was getting it in Thailand there was no stopping me...not even hepatitis B risk! :S nah, I checked it was a good one ;P. 

I decided to get "life is what you make it" because no matter where I am or who I am I can always refer to it. It's also something that got me through my anorexia.... When I was sick I always wished that I had my old life which included heaps of close friends, people loving being around me, enjoying things that other 'normal' people looked forward to like going out with friends or even going on holidays... You see, as much as I wanted to do these things I would be paralysed by the fear of what food would be there and what I would have to eat...so I avoided going to events and pretty much lived as a hermit. However, my turning point was when I hit rock bottom and, as much as i really really hate writing this, i tried to harm myself by taking too many pills... not to commit suicide, but as a cry for help...i was that desperate to stop feeling the way i did and for someone to help me stop just thinking none stop about food and get rid of the emptyness and pain i was feeling... 

My parents, friends and siblings were already doing everything they could to help me and were just amazing, but after that horrible experience I realised that no one was going to be able to help me if i didnt help myself, as I was the one getting in my own way of what I wanted and who I wanted to be... It was not anyone else's job to help me, it was only me that could help myself.... Why was food so important that it made me loose everything else?  It was at that point I realised I could stay being obsessed about food and having no life or friends, or I could give up the obsession and get my life and friends back... It was up to me because "life is what YOU make it"...

Whoever says tattoos aren't painful is full of shit! I swear I almost squeezed JH's hand off. And a tattoo that was meant to take 45 mins took an hour and a half coz I kept asking him to stop....lets just say that was my first and will be my only tattoo! 

However it wasn't just a big day for me, my little JH was off to see the Englishman she met from the night before.... Again not going into someone else's story, let's just say when I saw her eyes glisten with excitement when she met me after her date I knew something special had begun....just a pitty he lived in England, as realistically it could never workout...could it? 

My tattoo from Thailand. Meant to be a leafy vine going through the words, but I think the dodgyness adds to the authenticity of the Thailand tattoo ;P  

And so the adventure begins!!

Well after a year in the making it has finally come down to a week of lasts.... The last night in Australia for a while, the last time I see my family and friends for a while, the last time i can be completly selfish and not have to consider a partner for....well...ever! Meaning watching what you want to watch on tv, being able to just go to a friends after work and not having to let anyone know, making plans with friends without having to consider what your partner might have planned....(wow, thats scary!). However, it will be followed up with a week of firsts! The first time I will live with a boy, the first time I will work in another country, the first time I will be a true adult and 'leave the nest'. 

One of my friends asked me at my going away party if it had 'hit' me yet. At the time it hadn't, as I was too occupied with having a laugh and a drink with friends. It only hit me the next morning when I was listening to good old Bryon Adam's song "I will be right here waiting for you". My eyes filled with water as I started to imagine my Mum and Dad singing that about me.... Which then made me giggle a little bit as the mental image was quite hilarious! 

It's only those brief times when im on my own that I let myself 'go there' and think about how hard something will be. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but now days I tend to push away the negatives and concentrate on the positives. Some of my friends and family call me strong because I think this way, others might call this nieeve. All I know is that battling anorexia and bulemia for 4 years when I was 16 and beating it was the hardest thing that I have ever done, so now nothing ever feels hard in comparison to that and after being numb for those 4 years and hating the world and myself I am just so happy to feel all the emotions life gives me, including that shitting yourself fear, butterflies in your stomach excitement, bitting your fingernails nervousness and the rush of adrenaline of the thought of endless possibilities.  

Don't get me wrong, I am going to miss my family and friends so much and knowing me reality will hit me in 6 months and I will be a blubbering mess. I can picture it now, panda eyes, tears down my face and a snotty nose in the fetal position. Poor Dean won't know what to do except to back away slowly and not make any sudden movements. However, I am kind of looking forward to that too, coz it means I'm living my life to the fullest and once I pick myself up and dust myself off I will be stronger because of it. Haha, I can imagine this post is going to bite me in the arse when I do get to that point. Dean will look it up and point out this part and be like "look, you said you were looking forward to this part, why are you crying?!"

I won't go through all the goodbyes, but I will say this; feeling the amount of love I felt from all my family and friends when I left is what made it easier for me, which I'm sure any of them reading this would be like "that's the opposite of what we were trying to do!". However, it was all their words of encouragement, them 100% believing in me, them never making me feel bad for leaving and them being so proud that I was following my dreams that I knew I was 110% doing the right thing. Plus, Dean and I have been together for one and a half years, so its been a long time coming and I just wanted to go and start my life with my best friend. 

In saying all that, it didn't stop me from being a blubbering mess at the airport when my sis and I said our goodbyes.... I have a love/hate relationship with Melbourne airport; I absolutly hate the international departure gate, but I absolutly love the international arrival gate! 

With that I was off to start a new life in England with my boyfriend....who would have known that going to Thailand in 2010 would have brought me to this point..... 

A pandora bracelet I got from my family and friends

A DVD one of my best friends, JH, lent me before I left - do you think she is trying to say something? 

Just a normal everyday girl who decided to take a leap into the unknown

Hi Everyone, 

Have you ever thought about totally changing your life? About just packing up everything and starting fresh? 

My name is Beth, I am an everyday girl of 26 years from a regular town on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria Australia and I have done just that, and I'm not going to lie, I'm scared shitless! 

Only a week ago I had a job I had been in for over a year, I lived with my parents with one of my best friends, Amy, I spent a lot of time with my family and friends and I enjoyed the in and outs of everyday life. Now I am sitting in the lounge room of an English house which they call a bungalow, in Essex England, with people that may have the same words as us, but speak a totally different language, with nothing but my suitcases, my iPad, my new SLR camera that i bought from the airport (i love it!), my dreams and ........my English boyfriend, Dean, who just left for work. 

This blog will be a mix of how I managed to get here and how I cope with missing my old life, friends and family to how i go coping with a new country, new friends, new family, new job, moving in with a boy for the first time and basically starting a new life, and I guess, a new beth! 

I am not going to fluff any of this up, I want to give you a real view into not just the good times, but the bad times too. I will be as raw as possible with my feelings and how I go about coping with things....and NOT coping with things. All I ask from you is to PLEASE excuse with grammar and spelling! Everyone that knows me, which you will to in time, knows that this area is not my forte and I really don't like it when people pull me up on it. Why let spelling and grammar errors get in the way of a good story I say! If you know what I mean please be kind and just go with it ;P 

You may wonder why i decided to write this blog and why I want to be so raw.... and the answers are both deep and yet some boring and selfish. boring and selfish first, so by the end of the paragraph you will still like me. Firstly, I promised all my friends and family i would keep in contact with them, and by doing a blog it means that i only have to tell the story once. I'm sure you can relate to this, for example when you have just come back from holidays and everyone asks "how was it?". the first time you tell someone you go into great detail and length, but by the 10th person you just answer "it was good". The 2nd reason is that this blog will act like a diary for me, so when I am old and grey sitting at a nursing home I can read back on my adventures and remind myself of everything I have done, and because I will be senile I will forget what I read and so can read it over and over and it won't get old! Thirdly, I what to show people that everyone goes through moments in their life that are scary, hard and tough, but by pushing through those moments you can have those other moments in life that are rewarding, amazing and make you think "life is pretty fucking amazing!".   

I wont lie, I'm excited, yet a little nervous, to invite you into my new world and allowing you to get to know me by telling you about my old one, but here it goes........ 

Oh my god, it just hit me again....... I'm living in England!!! :-O