It would be another 2 years until I had another holiday where I left the country, and in those two years I did a lot of finding myself, my confidence and my strength. That was due to just plain growing up (some might dispute that this has happened) and, well, a lot of relationships....When a boyfriend and I would breakup my girlfriends would say "now beth, DON'T have a boyfriend for a while, just take some you time" and it seemed like as soon as they said that I would find a boy and start dating him.... I have always been one of those girls that was a bit lost and didn't know who they were or what they wanted, in life and with men. I admire those people, like my brother, who know exactly who they are and what they want. They wouldn't date many girls because they knew what they wanted in a partner and so if a girl didn't have those traits or qualities then they wouldn't bother. I was very different. I don't know if it was just because I was the youngest of four and so I was always around people and so I felt I always needed to have someone there, but I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. I was very independent within the relationship and some would say "i would only bring them out the cupboard when it suited me", but in my head it was like i needed a boyfriend to feel socially accepted and like i belonged. Now i look back on it i realise this could have been because when i was sick i felt so socially discarded for looking different and acting different, that when i was on the mend i just wanted to do anything to feel like i was 'normal' and accepted by society again. Don't get me wrong, I liked all the boys I dated, but with the combination of not knowing what I wanted in a guy, me not knowing who I was and me feeling the need to always have someone there, I would just jump into relationships without a second thought...and then after 3 months I would know they were the wrong guy for me and I would become miserable and then after a few more months of an unhappy relationship we would finally break up. Most of the guys were lovely, but it was just that after a couple of months and the 'honeymoon' period had worn off, I realised i didn't love them for who they were and I would always catch myself thinking i would love to change things about them...and you can't be with someone if you want to change them...i believe you have to love all of them (well the core of who they are) and accept and love them for who they really are. My problem was, I didn't know who I was and so how could I know what I wanted in a guy?! However, after every relationship I would get closer to knowing what I wanted in a guy.......and what I didn't.
With the combination of plain maturing through my early to mid twenties, going through some hard relationships that made me really think about myself and (i think the biggest thing) gaining some amazing girlfriends that taught and showed me how to have confidence within myself and just be who i was instead of what I thought i had to be, I finally knew who I was and grew confident within myself.....but i still didn't have a clue about boys and love.... Straight on from a painful 2 year relationship were I learnt a lot about myself I thougt i knew what I wanted in a guy, but it took another relationship to learn that even though a guy can be so close to being what you wanted because he was good on paper, that's not close enough.
I think my biggest problem was that I didn't know what love was... Everyone kept saying to me "you will know when you know"....what the fuck kind of statement was that? "I will know when I know".... But how do I know how "knowing it" feels like?! I liked all these guys...was that love? People say love is hard, but then others say its easy! There are so many conflicting offers of advise out there that I would always become more confused about love then when I was 12 years old and used to see people kiss on TV and wonder why on earth the girl wanted to kiss the guy and get boy germs! To be completely honest, I think I would have easily fallen into a marriage with a guy that wasn't 100% right for me, as I was looking for the guy for me in the wrong places, the wrong type of guy for me and when i fell for a guy, i really thought that was love and that the hard times were just normal and not being 100% happy was normal...as i didnt know any different. However, that all changed in December of 2012....and you know what I found out? I still didn't bloody well know when I knew ;P
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